


Close to the Flame

by purplebass



Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:40:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25830718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplebass/pseuds/purplebass
Summary: Cordelia blushed as she watched herself in the mirror. She was tired, her feet hurt, and her corset was too tight, but she thought she looked great. She smiled because she truly felt like a queen in her golden dress. That color made her feel as if she was on fire. She couldn’t lie to herself. She was combusting and couldn’t wait to get out of her wedding gown.Prompt: "You don't have to love me."
Relationships: Cordelia Carstairs & James Herondale, Cordelia Carstairs/James Herondale
Comments: 2
Kudos: 63
Collections: Jordelia





	1. Masked

Cordelia blushed as she watched herself in the mirror. She was tired, her feet hurt, and her corset was too tight, but she thought she looked great. She smiled because she truly felt like a queen in her golden dress. That color made her feel as if she was on fire. She couldn’t lie to herself. She was combusting and couldn’t wait to get out of her wedding gown.

Everything went smoothly. Her dear brother Alastair had accompanied her to the altar where James stood. On his side, Matthew seemed tense as she walked towards them, which worried her. She would have to have a talk with him sooner or later, but that wasn’t the moment. There was something else occupying her mind while she waited for her husband in _their_ room.

Her cheeks were burning as she replayed the day in her head. She and James had exchanged their wedding vows and had marked each other on the back of their hands as per tradition. She wished he would have chosen to mark her on her arm, but the dress she was wearing wasn’t sleeveless and it would have been difficult to maneuver the sleeve to draw the rune.

Oh, the irony. The mark would be where she could always see it. Every day, it would reprimand her that she had made a poor choice. Sort of, anyway. She loved James, but she didn’t want to marry him like this, not when she believed he didn’t love her back. She looked at her hand and sighed, noticing how well-done James had drawn the rune. How could something so little feel so heavy? It felt heavy because it was bound to something false. A pretense. Except for her feelings. Those were equally burdensome, but manageable. Perhaps.

The door behind her opened and she turned to see who it was, even if she already knew who would be. There was only one person who would come into the room she had chosen to be their own private space at the Institute while they still looked for a house of their own. Cordelia told James that she was fine with staying there for the whole duration of their agreement, despite she knew it would be difficult to conceal her true feelings. They would be under the watchful eyes of his parents all the time, but one couldn’t always get what they wanted. And she had already dug her hole when she proposed this. She thought that she couldn’t complain to anyone, but she could still rant in her head. Unless the whole thing would become uncomfortable.

“The Merry Thieves didn’t want to let me go,” said James. He was handsome in his wedding attire, the black of his suit making him seem more angelic than usual, and the golden accents here and there highlighted his golden eyes. “They said that they needed to make it seem real and wished me luck for tonight.”

“No problem, James. You don’t have to give me an explanation.”

“You have the right to know. After all, we are married,” he explained as he removed his suit jacket and put it on a chair next to the desk.

Cordelia couldn’t help but make a bitter smile. “Except they know it’s not real,” she murmured, trying not to seem too disappointed. Because she was disappointed, right? That it wasn’t real. “I don’t think we should exchange wedding runes either.”

James turned serious as he was undoing the wrist buttons of his white shirt. He also seemed quite disappointed himself. “Do you think I married you just because we agreed, Cordelia?”

“Of course, James. I know how you feel about me. You don’t love me. You said it yourself.”

“That was true,” he admitted, biting his lip. “But things change.”

“They don’t have to change. You don’t have to change _for me_. I’m alright.”

“Well, I am not. I thought I was okay with this, with this marriage as we had decided several months ago,” he began, “but I’m not okay. I don’t want to be it like this, Daisy. I want to mark you with the wedding rune.”

Cordelia raised an eyebrow, unsure of what he meant and trying not to keep her hopes up. “You are not obliged to. We told everyone we would exchange them in private. No one would know we haven’t.”

“Why you don’t want to?”

Cordelia was besides herself with exhaustion and she rose from the small chair. “Because it’s not real, James. Because I don’t want you to bind yourself to me because we agreed to cover what happened.”

He strode to her and crossed his arms on his chest. She thought he was angry because he was frowning, but then he reached out his hand to caress her cheek. Cordelia felt a burnt trail where he had just touched her, and closed her eyes for a moment, savoring the instant.

“I want to be bound to you, Daisy. The marriage is not legally real if we don’t exchange both wedding runes.”

“No one will know,” Cordelia argued, glancing at the bed. She couldn’t understand why he wanted to mark her. They had already exchanged the wedding rune in front of their friends and family and it was enough to burden her. It burnt her hand with guilt.

“What about us?”

“There is no us, James,” she replied with the steadiest voice she could find. “Why are you…”

James frowned, confused. “Tell me what’s plaguing you, please,” he told her, touching her shoulder briefly and then deciding upon it.

Cordelia felt like she had just been slapped. She gazed at her shoulder, already missing his warm hand. “You don’t have to love me,” she told him. “We don’t have to pretend.”

“What pretense are you talking about?”

She felt like she wanted to laugh at him. Was he serious? She raised an eyebrow and shook her head. “This, all of this,” she opened her arms to point at the room. “Don’t pretend to be considerate to me just because we are forced to spend the night here together.”

“I had already planned to sleep on the chair, Cordelia,” he admitted, passing his hand through his hair. He seemed frustrated, and he better be. He was upsetting her with all of those questions, and she didn’t like it. She didn’t think all of that would happen. “But just so you know, this is not a pretense to me. I meant every word. And I know you did too, that’s why you are angry right now. You can’t lie.”

“We are both tired because of the day we’ve just had, James. We better go to sleep,” she proposed, turning towards the vanity to remove the pins from her hair.

James grabbed her wrist and gently turned her body towards his so that she was facing him again. “You haven’t replied to my question, Cordelia.”

“You didn’t ask anything.”

“You can’t lie.”

“How come you’re so sure I’m not lying?”

“Because I know you, that’s why. And you’re crying,” James noticed, wiping the tears on the corners of her eyes. “Oh, Daisy.” He pulled her towards him and hugged her body. He began to stroke her hair and she grabbed the back of his shirt, letting it all out.

Cordelia was weeping and James was holding her. What a fantastic first night as the wife of the man she loved. She wanted to berate herself for having let her guard down, but she couldn’t. The tears stopped after a while, and she gazed up at James. His eyes were beautiful. He was beautiful. He looked at her with concern and her heart instantly raced. How could she fake not loving him? How could you pretend not to love someone?

And then something happened. Something to which Cordelia didn’t know how to respond at first, and that she thought would never repeat itself. James lowered his head and he started kissing her. Cordelia felt her cheeks heat, and the rest of the world disappeared along with her thoughts about this one-sided relationship.

James’ kiss turned hot and fierce, and she didn’t realize that he was cupping her face, then his hand descended on her chest to stop right above her bosom. Cordelia remembered their kiss in the whispering room, how he had grazed her there with his hands. It was the first time that a guy had done that, and she never thought that the second person who would be intimate with her, would still be James. James’ hand was tentative as it went on her back and touched the buttons of her dress and tried to open them. Realizing that he wasn’t having any luck, he stopped kissing her and the two stared at each other in disbelief. Cordelia hoped he wasn’t regretting this, because she wasn’t for sure.

James closed his eyes briefly and shook his head. “Daisy, I’m sorry.”

“I’m not,” Cordelia answered, trying to give him her best confident face. “I’m not sorry at all, James.”

“I let myself be carried away because of my feelings,” he explained, looking away from her. “I shouldn’t have done it. But you are… I can’t… I can’t do this to you. I’ve already ruined you once without actually ruining you, and I’m still trying to come to terms with that.”

“ _I_ gave you the permission to ruin me, James. And I’d do that again. I’d rather by ruined by you than by anybody else,” Cordelia admitted.

“Why would you do that, Cordelia? Why would you risk so much for me? You said that you didn’t love me,” he threw her words back at her. It hurt her.

“Instead I do. I love you, James Herondale! Don’t you understand why I did it? You’re a dear friend to me, this much is true, but I do love you.”

Cordelia didn’t believe she had just blurted out the secret she had vowed to keep in her heart forever. She had wanted to keep it to herself as she tried to move on from James, because she realized that maybe he would never love her back.

James was shocked. His mouth hung slightly open and his hands were trembling. Cordelia thought how weird that he seemed uneasy and fidgety. Maybe he wasn’t comfortable because he would probably have a hard time dealing with her after he discovered her secret. Cordelia shuddered at the idea, but it was possible. She had slipped.

“I thought you didn’t love me,” he replied as a matter of fact. “I didn’t expect it.”

“Me either. I mean, I didn’t expect to tell you. Like you said, I can’t lie. This is not a lie, James, and I don’t expect anything from you. You don’t need to be kind to me, to treat me as if I am your real wife. We don’t have to exchange pleasantries; we don’t have to sleep in the same bed. But I can’t lie anymore. At least now I feel like I got this off my chest.”

“But I want to do all of those things, Daisy. I want to be kind to you, I want to train with you, I want to open doors for you – as much as it sounds stupid. And I want to sleep with you,” James revealed, blushing.

“Do you mean it, James?”

“Have I ever lied to you?”

Cordelia wanted to tell him that he probably had, when he told her that he didn’t love Grace anymore, but she stayed silent. “You’re the most honest person I know.”

James didn’t reply. He inched closer and grabbed her by the hips, then his lips crushed on hers for the second time that night. Cordelia let him savor her, let his hands wander through her hair and let him help her sit on the soft blanket of their newest bed to be properly kissed.


	2. Marked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after chapter 1. It can also be read as a standalone but I encourage to read both chapters since they are linked.

James felt burning and he realized he was sweating. He was in a half-conscious state, his eyelids still tightly shut. He rubbed his eyes and tried to recollect what happened the night before. For a moment he dreaded that he was going into the shadow realm, for he couldn’t remember a thing when he thought about how his previous day had been. Then everything came rushing to his mind like a bolt of lightning.

Cordelia telling him she loved him. Him kissing Cordelia and losing his control. Him excusing his behavior and Cordelia telling him that everything was fine, she would let him ruin her, he had the permission. And then the fervor, the passion, the urgency to show her that he was also in love with her.

“Are you sure, Daisy? If you don’t…” He stopped kissing her just to ask this simple question. He didn’t want to do anything she didn’t want to do.

“Shut up and kiss me,” Cordelia said, and then she proceeded to get rid of his clothes and discard them somewhere on the carpet. And he did the same.

She didn’t have any hesitation as he explored every inch of her, as he kissed bits of her body which no one had ever seen before and that no one but him would ever have the chance to see. He tried to be as cautious as possible to make her comfortable and to avoid any pain.

He kissed her eyes when he saw they were glassy. It was just right after they had become as one, after they had sealed their marriage with blood.

“Should we stop?” James wondered, concerned for Cordelia.

Cordelia, whose pupils were dilated, raised an eyebrow. “I’m not a porcelain doll, James. I won’t break.”

James nodded and leaned forward and kept doing what he was doing, hoping he was doing it right. He hadn’t told her, but he had never done it before – even though everyone but their friends thought they had already done the deed. He couldn’t forget the faces of his friends and family when Cordelia told the entire room full of members of the Clave that he had ruined her. And it had been a lie. Now, at least, it was true.

He had married Cordelia, and he had also been her undoing. What James valued was that Cordelia had let him do that. He would have never dared to touch her without her permission.

His eyes adjusted to the light of the day. He looked at himself. He still didn’t have a shirt on, the sheets were rumpled and he was hungry. And he wanted to kiss his wife, but she was still asleep. Part of Cordelia’s dark red hair lain on the soft cotton of the pillow, while her head was on his arm. He felt the muscles cramping up, but he did not care. He could not describe how he was feeling, but it was okay. It just meant he was overwhelmed with sentiment and appreciation.

He loved Cordelia.

She grumbled something and stirred under the covers, touching his leg with her foot. He turned his head to gawk at her, and thought he was lucky to have a woman like Cordelia by his side. She wasn’t just breathtaking, she was also courageous, loyal and kind. She opened her black pools and James couldn’t help but beam at her. Maybe he was an idiot, but he did not care.

“Good morning,” she whispered. Her voice was rough and low because she had just woken up.

“Daisy,” James blabbered.

“James.”

They started at each other for a few moments, none of them wanted to speak first.

“Are you alright?” they both asked at the same time.

“You go.”

“No, you,” Cordelia said.

James leaned forward and kissed her on the mouth. “I’ve never been better, Daisy. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere but here in this bed, with you.”

“Me too,” she agreed, and looked anywhere but at James.

“Are you shy?”

Cordelia bit her lip and grinned. “I’ve never been in such a situation before,” she admitted.

“Me either.”

She was taken aback. “You haven’t?”

“No,” James revealed, staring at the window behind Cordelia for a moment. Damn, he was silly.

“I’m delighted, you know. Because I thought –“

“You’re the only one, Daisy,” he told her solemnly, not breaking eye contact this time. “And I love you.”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

“Then I want you to draw the wedding rune on my heart,” she said as she pushed on her elbows to sit and grabbed part of the covers with her. “Please.”

James marked Cordelia where she had asked him to. His hand trembled as he traced the wedding vow on her chest, but he had done a good job in the end. He was anxious as if he was about to run in a competition, but Cordelia had encouraged him to go on, she was okay, she was delighted, and there wasn’t anything else she wanted in the world but to be there with him. Once it was Cordelia’s turn, James had kept steady as a rock. He also wanted to be marked on his heart, because he thought it would be nice to match his wife. And it was also a way to create a strong connection with her.

He sighed when he searched for something in the pocket of his vest.

Cordelia was his wife and she loved him. He still couldn’t believe it.

“Daisy, _ātashé del-am **[1]**_. I have something for you.”

She was in front of the vanity just like she had been the evening before. Except there was something different in the air, and between them. Things did change. For the better. He had also started to learn more Persian so he could talk to her in her native language. 

Cordelia, who was trying her best to finish fixing her hair, looked at James in the mirror. “You’ve learned a new term.”

He strutted towards her and kissed her cheek. “Did I pronounce it well?”

“Yes.”

He was pleased with himself as he produced a squared black velvet box in front of her. “This is for you. I hope you like it.”

Cordelia took the box from him and examined it. “You shouldn’t have, James.”

“But I wanted to. Open it. It’s my wedding gift.”

“You already gave me your wedding gift last night,” she teased, and James felt his cheeks burn. She opened the case in the end. “It’s beautiful. What gem is this?”

“It’s an obsidian gemstone. They are formed from cooled molten lava. Did you know it?”

Cornelia frowned. “No, I didn’t know. I love it. Can you help me?” she gestured to the necklace. “I want to put it on.”

Once James had closed the clasp at the back, he lowered himself so his head would be at the level of Cordelia’s. “I chose this gem because it complements your eyes.”

“Really?”

“Yes, Daisy. I already intended to give it to you yesterday, but I believe that it’s better I changed my mind. It has a different meaning today. Don’t you think?”

“Definitely,” she agreed, then she rose from her seat and offered James her hand. “Shall we go, _joon-am **[2]**_?”

“Of course, Daisy,” he said, and then they exited the room hand in hand. _As one._

**Footnote:**

_[1] The fire of my heart_

_[2] My life_


End file.
